Engagement ring disappears; does my dog like to eat carats?

“Where’s my ring?” my wife said anxiously as she scoured the bedroom.

She hates losing things. Sunglasses are often the most common casualty, which is surprising as my wife is more organized than a Trapper Keeper.*

I don’t like it when she loses something, either—especially if I bought it for her, like, say, an engagement ring.

We searched the house—and her car and anywhere else we could think of—for her ring. All the while Katniss, our 40-pound German shepherd mix, lounged on the bed like a queen gazing upon her realm.

As most people do when they lose things, my wife retraced her steps and came to the conclusion that she had left her ring on the nightstand next to the bed—the same bed Katniss was currently claiming as her own—and the nightstand was well within reach of a very curious and mischievous Katniss, who will do an-y-thing for our attention.

Katniss always makes sure to eat plenty of minerals and carats.

Man’s best friend had swallowed a girl’s best friend when we weren’t looking.

My first concern was the jagged parts of the ring possibly injuring Katniss internally as it passed through her. And what if the diamond became detached from the ring? That could be even more dangerous—and expensive. We considered getting her X-rayed but decided to wait a few days to see if the ring appeared, um, naturally.

In the days that followed, I was more worried than a fan trying to choose sides in the Taylor Swift/Katy Perry feud (Team Katy 4ever), and I worry an average of 10 times more than anyone I know. OK, 12 times more. Was the ring going to hurt Katniss? Would she need surgery? And what if she hadn’t swallowed the ring—where the hell was it?

Man’s best friend had swallowed a girl’s best friend when we weren’t looking.

My wife and I spent those days monitoring Katniss’ bowel movements to see if a token of our eternal love for one another had fallen out of her butt. One day it did!**

My intrepid wife, using a stick and a plastic shopping bag, found the ring in one of Katniss’ daily “gifts.” But it just so happened that Katniss’ mommy was also on her way out, so I was tasked with cleaning the ring.

A more disgusting chore has never existed, unless you count being a Cleveland Browns fan as a chore, which most people do. There’s a “taking the Browns to the Super Bowl” poop joke in there somewhere, but I’ve used that one once already.

Once I was satisfied with its cleanliness, I took the ring to be further professionally cleaned at the jewelry store. My wife is back to wearing her ring again, but she keeps it out of Katniss’ reach once she takes it off.

The funny thing is that Katniss never seemed feel discomfort from swallowing the ring and it passing through her. I think she was loving the additional attention—as if she’s not the center of our household already. My hope is that the next time she wants more attention than usual she will at least swallow something cheaper—how about a Browns Super Bowl ring?***

___

*A Trapper Keeper, in case you younger readers were wondering, was what kids used to carry around in middle school in the ’80s and ’90s to keep homework and notes organized. But who am I kidding; none of my readers are too young to remember because the only person who reads this blog is my mom, and she never let me have Trapper Keepers because their cheap plastic binder rings broke too easily. Turns out she was right, as always. By October, when everyone’s Trapper Keepers were breaking down, my three-ring binder—from the previous school year—was still going strong with its steel, instead of plastic, clips. I love my mom.

**When we were in school, it seemed like every year they would show us this movie, “The Doughnuts,” which I think was made in the 1960s and ran on reel-to-reel film—someone from class had to rewind it before we returned it to the library; ah, the ’80s. Anyway, this guy in the movie runs a donut shop—in Ohio, of course—and his donut machine won’t stop making donuts. Somehow a lady loses her expensive bracelet in the dough, and all the kids from town have to eat the donuts to find the bracelet. That’s what I was thinking of as I felt my way through Katniss’ various deposits searching for the ring. Yum!

***Just kidding—the Browns have never won a Super Bowl, much less been in one.